You’re Not Bad at Dating; Your Mindset Just Needs a Tune-Up

“Dating is so hard!”

“I’m terrible at flirting.”

“I feel like there just aren’t any good partners out there.”

Any of these statements sound familiar to you? Because if they do, I bet you’ve been single for a minute and are getting rightfully frustrated with the seeming hellscape that is modern dating in 2025.

Listen, I get it. I feel you, because I’ve been there, too. I’ve moaned and groaned about dating apps, booty calls, situationships, emotional immaturity and the list goes on and on (somebody call me a wah-mbulance, am I right?). But here’s the thing, those gripes aren’t helping any of us; in fact, they’re part of the problem.

That’s because your dating mindset shapes your dating reality. Let’s talk about it.

Mindset Shapes Reality

Your mindset, your beliefs about yourself, others and the world around you, actively shapes your reality. It influences how you show up, how you interpret other people’s behaviors and how you view your chances for success, in love and in life. If this sounds like some hippy-dippy, toxic positivity trash, it’s not. There’s actual science to back it up (cue my inner nerd).

Every experience we have and every person we meet help shape our mindset. Once a mindset takes root, our brains scan for evidence that proves our beliefs to be true. It’s called confirmation bias, and it shows up in what we notice, how we interpret and what we remember. Most of the time, it’s happening without us even realizing it. 

How This Plays Out in Dating

Let’s say you believe that “men just want to sleep around without commitment.” As you scroll dating apps or scan the bar for man candy, you may not realize it but you are subconsciously looking for signs of that belief being true; you might breeze right past guys who are ready for commitment while you’re busy bracing for disappointment. When that Hinge match who took you out on a very promising first date invites you to dinner and a movie at his house, you might interpret that as a booty call, rather than an genuine attempt to connect (honestly, you might be right about that one). And when things fizzle out, you remember all the other situationships where you got burned, while conveniently forgetting the times you were treated well.

It’s not your fault. Your brain is simply trying to shield you from getting hurt again. What can I say, that inner protectress is a boss babe.

If you want different results, you need a different mindset. But first, I want to break down some common negative dating beliefs.

The Ones That Aren’t Helping

We can’t change what we don’t know, so let’s call out a few common mindsets that are due for an update.

• There are no good partners out there: Every date ends in rejection, ghosting or feeling like they’re not my type. Maybe my match just isn’t out there.

• I’m so bad at flirting: Everyone else makes it seem easy. I try to show interest but I’m scared of being awkward or making someone uncomfortable. Besides, people rarely approach me.

• Rejection means I’m not good enough: If they liked me, they wouldn’t reject me. Do I actually suck?

• Everyone is going to ghost me: It’s happened so many times, it’ll just happen again; why should I get my hopes up?

Honestly, I’ve believed all of these at some point. I’ve been on dead-end dates. I’ve been told I’m awkward at flirting (blame my Venus in Virgo). I’ve let ghosting and rejection eat away at my self-worth. And when that happens, I whisper to myself “I knew it.” I was right all along, disappointment is unavoidable.

How does that mindset help me? How do those mindsets serve you?

Spoiler alert, they don’t. Sure, they’re trying to protect you. But they don’t get you closer to achieving your dating and relationship goals; in fact, they keep you stuck in the same old patterns. So buckle in, babes, we’re switching things up.

It’s Time For a Makeover

Identify

The first step is recognizing your current beliefs. Which you’re already doing! Ask yourself a couple questions to dig deeper:

• What thoughts run through my mind when I open a dating app/get ready for a date/have a crush?

• How do I feel about dating in general?

• How do I feel about the types of people I pursue (apprehensive, excited, scared)?

Rewrite

Once you know what’s running under the surface, it’s time to rewrite a little bit at a time. 

Here’s why: when I first realized I needed a mindset shift, I swung to the opposite side of the spectrum, aggressively affirming that there’s an ABUNDANCE OF INCREDIBLE PARTNERS OUT THERE. I don’t want to shock you but that didn’t work. In order for a mindset to stick, you have to actually believe it. So I found a middle ground that felt true for me. “I know what I want in a partner and I trust that they’re out there. I believe I can build fulfilling, aligned connections.”

Approach this process with curiosity and optimism, keeping your desired dating outcome in mind; it’s best to focus on the things we want, rather than things we’re trying to avoid. And consider how you want to feel throughout the dating process. For example, if you want to feel confident and sexy, incorporate that into your mindset.

Stay Curious

Finally, treat dating as a discovery process. There will still be tough moments, rejections and disappointment. But rather than converting them into facts, learn to comfort yourself and grow. If you’re looking for a committed relationship and this week’s Hinge match ghosts you, take a minute to mourn. Ghosting sucks, there’s no getting around that. And what a great reminder that a committed relationship includes strong communication! “I’m ready to commit myself to a partner who respects my time and communicates clearly.”

While this seems simple, it’s a process. Choosing joy and curiosity and optimism are scary. They’re vulnerable. But they’re also beautiful, a gateway to the life and love you truly desire.

Final Thoughts: You’ve Got the Power

Changing your mindset isn’t a magic cure for your dating woes. You can’t control how other people behave or how they treat you. 

But you do control your beliefs, and you have the power to make decisions that align with your dating goals. To believe that you are worthy, a 10/10 catch who deserves your ideal relationship. To set boundaries, communicate like a boss and only pursue people who meet your wants and needs.

Now go forth, babe, go forth and date!

P.S. If you want support shifting your dating mindset or navigating modern dating with more joy and confidence, reach out! I’d love to help you create the love story you deserve.