The Unquestionable You: How to Not Lose Yourself In Love
Have you ever lost yourself in a new relationship? Because I have.
When I got excited about a new guy, I would shift my personality and identity to match theirs: the sweet, soulful, vegan granola girl, the badass, fearless climber girl who’s stoked to suffer in the mountains or the mega-chill, stoner girl who loves obscure music and shitty red lightbulbs.
And while I love the mountains and granola and obscure music, none of those girls were actually me. I’m not vegan (cheese is one of my love languages), I like slow, chill days in the mountains and weed makes me feel anxious. So why was I pretending to like all those things? Why was I pretending to be someone else?
Why We Pretend
At the time, I feared rejection, had an anxious attachment style and was a huge people-pleaser. I thought that being my partner’s dream girl would keep them happy and protect me from rejection.
But more than anything, it was aspirational. I got caught up in the excitement of a new person and new relationship, focusing all my attention on my man with nothing left for me.
For so long, I thought a relationship would fix my problems. That if someone else embraced me fully, I’d learn to love and accept myself. That if I dated someone happy and adopted their lifestyle, I, too, could be happy. That it would help me find joy, purpose and belonging.
And it worked in the beginning, when everything was bright, shiny and new. But after trying to be a fearless, climber girl for a couple years, I realized that I wasn’t doing any of those activities for me; I was doing them for him.
I followed his lead and over time, we both grew resentful. I resented him for pushing me to do activities that made me feel scared and bad about myself. And since our relationship was built on a foundation of mutual love for outdoor activities, he resented me for not being the person I had claimed to be. We both banked on my potential, instead of who I really was.
The pattern extended beyond romance, too. If I admired someone, perceived them as cool and confident, I’d try and emulate them in the hopes of finding the belonging and purpose they exuded.
Just Be Yourself?
One of the most common pieces of dating advice you hear is to “just be yourself”! If you show up as your authentic self, you’ll find someone great, someone who loves you just as you are.
But, what if you don’t know how to do that? What if you’re so used to looking outside of yourself for love, validation and belonging, of molding yourself to others preferences that you aren’t quite sure who you truly are?
After my last big breakup, I had to ask myself a big question: who the fuck am I?
Here’s the thing: I’m a social chameleon. I try on new communities, new interests, new hobbies, even new mannerisms. Sometimes I’m so enamored by someone else’s laugh that I subconsciously adopt it. It isn’t always a bad thing; it’s like trying on new outfits, new accessories to find your style. You see something super cute, you try it on and realize you love how it feels and looks. That’s how I became an aerialist, moved to the mountains and started wearing sparkles every day; 3 key components of my identity that I own and love!
But romantic relationships are more complicated. You’re getting attached, building a life together and merging with a whole other person. It’s easy to let go of bits and pieces of yourself.
If you’re feeling a little too seen, let me validate that this is super common. It’s natural to ride the wave of bonding with a new person and want it to be a perfect fit.
Which leaves us with the task of connecting deeply with yourself so that you’re grounded before the relationship and can find your way back when you realize you’ve drifted.
Being Yourself Pre-Relationship
Can we take a second to appreciate the beauty of single life? You get the whole bed to yourself, you can enjoy your most feral girl dinners and, most of all, you have ample time to invest in yourself.
Build a joyful life that you love regardless of your relationship status. Self-care, hobbies, social time, even your physical environment. Switch it up, try new things and check in with yourself regularly to ensure that you’re choosing things that aren’t just trendy and cool, but actually feel good. This is the time to explore and discover your true self.
Tap into you, go to therapy and drink water, you dehydrated little petunia.
Continue to make time for yourself, your friends and your hobbies as you dive back into dating. Establish a precedent from the get-go.
Figure out what it means to live a good life so that when you find a partner, they enhance what’s already thriving.
Returning to You
So you got a little lost in the weeds with a new relationship. You know it’s true because you’re feeling a lil anxious, resentful, perhaps lonely? Maybe you realize you haven’t seen your friends in a month or notice that art project you never finished sitting in the corner. Or maybe, you’re halfway up a rock wall, crying because you actually don’t want to be there??!?!?! Hypothetically, of course.
Congratulations, you’ve accomplished step one! You noticed and honestly, that’s huge.
Take a second to love on yourself, to comfort the part of you that feels lost or abandoned.
If you and your partner have a healthy dynamic, share what you’re feeling. Ask for support and reconnect. All relationships go through phases, and this might just be an opportunity to grow into your next stage together.
Return to the people and hobbies that make you feel good. You know, those ones that you explored before you got into a relationship that were part of your good life? They miss you!
Make time for yourself, whether that means going for a morning walk, journaling at the coffee shop or hiding in the woods for 6-10 hours.
And remember, being in a relationship does not mean you stop exploring what it means to live a good life. There’s still room for new friends, new activities and new passions, even while partnered.
Unquestionably Me
One last thing.
I keep a list in the back of my journal for the moments when I feel lost or need to return to myself. I call it my “Unquestionably Me” list.
It’s a running list of things that feel true to my core, tiny things that anchor me to myself.
It includes things like my love for the brightest shades of pink, the smell of vanilla and the first few seasons of Gilmore Girls. It mentions my overactive imagination, the relief I feel after a good cry and the importance of glitter.
I discover new things to add to the list all the time. Just recently, it was fictional pirates. Hook in Once Upon a Time, Jack Sparrow in Pirates of the Carribean, I love them all.
So here are some prompts to help you start making your very own “Unquestionably Me” list.
Think back to the toys you played with, activities you did, movies you watched and books you read as a child. What stands out as your favorites? What themes do you notice amongst them? (colors, series, activities)
Where do you turn for comfort? What is your mental comfort food? (This can include real food!)
When you think about your interests, hobbies and the things that bring you joy, what themes do you notice that have remained consistent since childhood? Adolescence? For a few years? (For example, I re-read Harry Potter when I feel anxious. JK Rowling sucks but the wizarding world is fire.)
What sounds, sights, smells and sensations bring you a sense of joy, calm and wellbeing? (The sound of the ocean, the feeling of your favorite blanket, the smell of cookies baking, the flowers in your grandma’s garden, etc.)
Let this list be your compass, reminders that always guide you back to yourself.
Final Thoughts
It’s easy to lose yourself in love, but you can always come back.
When you are rooted, grounded in yourself, you find relationships that are truly fulfilling and empowering.
Because the unquestionable you is unquestionably fabulous.
You don’t need to do this alone. I work with all my clients, single and partnered, to connect deeply with themselves in order to foster relationships that feel incredible. If you’re ready to embrace your unquestionable beauty, check out my coaching offerings!
