Self-Love & Romantic Love: The Ultimate Power Couple

“You have to love yourself before you can love anyone else.”

It’s a nice sentiment and there’s some deep truth in there. Self-love is absolutely crucial, no doubt.

However, we talk about different types of love (especially romantic vs. self-love) as if they are mutually exclusive. As if one is more important or valuable than the other. As if one can replace the other. You’re either focused on self-love or searching for your match.

And by defining one as more valuable than the other, we breed judgment. 

If romantic love is better, then being single is just sad. What’s wrong with you that you haven’t found someone, yet? You poor thing, you must be so lonely!

If self-love is more important, then a desire for a romantic relationship is just silly. Why aren’t you enough for yourself? You shouldn’t look outside of yourself.

Sounds a little harsh, right? I thought so, which got me thinking…

What if the different types of love aren’t mutually exclusive at all? What if they co-exist and, furthermore, what if they enhance each other?

Points for Self-Love

I’m clearly a huge fan of self-love. Scroll back through my social media or blog posts and I’d be shocked if you didn’t find a reference to self-love in every single one.

Self-love means treating yourself well, with kindness and acceptance. It means taking care of your mental, emotional and physical needs. It isn’t selfish or indulgent, all bubble baths and chocolate (though those are certainly a part of my self-love practices). It’s recognizing and owning your inherent value, and acting accordingly.

Healthy self-love is the cornerstone of wellbeing, empowering us to set boundaries, communicate our needs and pursue our dreams.

Points for Romance

Think about all the songs, movies, books and TV shows that revolve around romance. There’s no question that our society places a very high premium on romantic partnership. And for good reason; forging a deep, meaningful bond with another person is a beautiful thing. I’m a self-proclaimed hopeless romantic, so there’s no question that I love love.

A strong romantic relationship can help us grow, expand our sense of empathy and gives us space to be vulnerable, to let another person see us and love us for all that we are.

Bring It All Together

Self-love doesn’t replace romantic love. And romantic love doesn’t make up for a lack of self-love. Let me explain.

A healthy sense of self-love means embracing your core values, your hopes and dreams, and therefore empowers you to pursue romantic partners who align with those things. It encourages you to set healthy boundaries, to take accountability and seek out relationships that actually make you feel good. And you know what it means to feel good because you’re in the habit of providing it for yourself.

Self-love sets a precedent for others. Just remember that quote from The Perks of Being a Wallflower: “We accept the love we think we deserve.” When you treat yourself with love, respect and compassion, you won’t accept less from others. Self-love enhances romantic love. And the reverse is true, as well.

A good partner can show us new ways to love ourselves, help us embrace the more tender parts of ourselves and support us in pursuing our dreams.

There’s a lot of healing we can do on our own, but we take that healing to the next level in relationships. Romantic partners trigger our attachment wounds and unhealthy patterns. A healthy, secure relationship is a safe container for your triggered self, with a teammate to help you understand, process and move beyond those pain points.

It’s all about finding the balance. It’s so incredibly valid to want a life partner. It’s equally important to love yourself. You don’t have to choose one or the other; in fact, you shouldn’t choose one or the other. Pick both. Invest in self-love and pursue your soulmate-level relationship. Because you deserve all of that love and more.